Friday, January 06, 2006

The Missing Piece of the Puzzle

Sometimes, contemplating scares me... When my mind starts wandering from a box of subject to another, I started to feel on edge, nervous, sad, even a little mad... Anxiety might kill me one day! When this starts, hurriedly I look up to the sky. Ahh...the sky! Beautiful and mesmerizing with its fluffy white clouds... I'll be a lil' bit calm afterward. In the morning, if the sky is dark and gloomy and it started to rain, I'll be standing near the window sill, hypnotized by the downpour. To wonder that each drop came from a place so far away and finally ends its journey underneath our feet! Such fate! *smiles* When the night comes, I'll be stargazing! Twinkle-one, twinkle-two, twinkle-three... gosh, I'm hooked on stargazing!! It successfully erases all my troubled thoughts... If I can't see the stars, I'll be staring at trees and imagining myself painting a beautiful watercolor picture... a passion I've thrown out the window long time ago *I can't paint, 'nuff said* :( It's either painting or photographing... I wish I have a Nikon D50 :( *that's before I'll upgrading myself to D200, of course!!* Ambition should be HUGE, babe!! *sigh* Other silly thing I do if I'm in dilemma *snickers* is BATHING/SHOWERING. Yes, right, it's a routine where you go into your shower and spend hours and hours in there! *laughing* Being an Aquarian makes me obsessed with water I guess :) Washing away my unhappy thoughts is usually, blissfully LONG. From applying this and that, to scrubbing, to conditioning, to lotion-ing... at that moment, every task is my life and death... as long as it will keep me calm and tranquil.

I'm so terrified of my insomnia... My treacherous mind will be flying to places I don't want to go and my goddamned eyes just can't shut tight! Images flashing like I'm watching the movies. From a scene to another, I surf faster than the broadband!! Very tiring... :( The main theme for all these images is not new to me - it's LOVE. CINTA MATI, CINTA GILA, it's all LOVE! If it's not love, then it will be future dreams or abandoned and unanswered hopes. I try my best not to get stuck into that territory, but my mind is faster than my decisions. And when I came to that familiar junction, all I can do is put on a 'lil smile and cried like I can't cry tomorrow. I HATE to cry... gosh it's so painful!!! I think I'm in a chronic state. Depression? Dear God please NOT. I'm trying to find the missing piece of the puzzle in me. The missing space is labeled "EMPTINESS" and I've tried to fill it with fun-filled weekends, traveling, shopping for things I don't use as much... but still, it's still EMPTY. I just better leave it like that I guess, or wait and see. Or maybe like my best buddy once said: "Wait and Bleed". Pity, I've lost too much blood already and I don't think I'm that strong to wait anymore… Feels like ending the wait with this next period. But...


NO.

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